When I was 6 years old, I kinda got a reputation for being a “room thrasher”. Yeah. It’s one of those stories I still crinch whenever my aunt retells the story. In the same year, I also got a reputation for “stealing” food from another relative’s fridge and chocolates from a stranger’s center table.
You get the point, huh. I was a horrible visitor!
I have many other similar tales, but believe me when I say, I have come a long way. This is because of a series of experiences of being a host and inviting others to my place. I became a recipient of the visit. Many times they were good and I was really pleased with the visit. And then there are those moment I say to myself, I’m not going to invite this person again.
Wow, look who’s talking!
Well, life indeed has an interesting way of “restating the theme.”
For the last six months (and up to the present), I found myself back to being a visitor. Visitor to a country, visitor to churches, and visitor to a lot of people’s homes for long periods of time. A seasoned visitor, so to speak.
So this is totally different from renting a hotel, Airbnb or even Couchsurfing.
The kind of housing arrangements I’ve been doing comes with a sort of unwritten rule, a silent code of ethics that is understandable between two parties. And only if you have lived with other people (aside from family) will you know what I’m talking about.
If you find yourself in the same situation for the first time, you might want to keep these 8 rules I stand by when staying at someone’s house.
1. Visitor privileges generally wear off after the second day
It’s a golden rule I have learned that never fails to work. The host is usually lenient with the “visitor” privileges during the first two days. This means the host will cook for you, wash your plates for you, and do other things that will generally make you feel “at home.” Graciously accept the host’s courtesy. Let him or her know that it is appreciated. However, this is also the time wherein you can assure the host that you are willing to help around the house. Most of the time, the host will not turn this offer down.
2. Shyness won’t get you a nice shower
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of assertiveness. The first day I arrived at my host’s big house in Michigan, i was immediately given a tour of the rooms and how things work and function. Part of that tour was to know how to operate the shower knob in my room. I was a bit lackadaisical about the whole thing because it’s just a shower knob. Of course, I know how to operate that.
Well it turned out really hard to figure out on my own…and I ended up taking a shower by filling a large watering can and putting it on top of my head. This went on for two days! All because I was too shy to ask.
I’ve been a host myself and I’ve had people stay at my house who would tell me that they are shy. Shy of what?! And so with that reason came a whole set of attitude.
They were too shy that
…they purposefully didn’t want to get out of the room to talk to the host
…they would eat dinner with the host but refuse to carry a conversation
…they would come in late at night so they don’t have to feel awkward about talking to the host
…they would stay in bed as long as the host is in the house, but would get up as soon the host leaves
My visitors did that to me, and I completely understood because I did some of those things myself!
Truth be told, pride is the root of shyness. Fear of what people will think about us and being overly concerned for the opinions of men can be reflection of obsession with self. When this fear and self-consciousness keeps us from reaching out to the very person who is helping, that is a reflection of self-centeredness and pride.
3. Communication is key
Many times, shyness occurs because of the lack of knowledge to communicate well.
If you want a smoothie and do not know how to use the blender, ask!
If you don’t know where to get the rag to dry the plates, ask!
If you need to borrow something from the host, ask permission.
If you see something that you like that you think the host might not need anymore, ask.
If you want someone to come over and visit you, ask.
Ask, ask, ask. No harm in asking, guys! Do not mind guess because chances are it would be more trouble to deal with later on. Trust me. Also when you ask, it gives a sense of respect to the host, making them feel that you value their space and their belongings.
Then, if you have problems with the host’s treatment of you, talk it over with him or her rather than sharing your problems with other people. Nothing is more embarrassing and low than backtalking the very people who has allowed you to stay at their house for free.
4. Go for that extra mile, cook!
Cooking for the host is always, always a great thing. You can never underestimate the power of a meal.
There have been too many mornings I cooked for our hosts in Alabama and New York. These people had to leave early for work and would usually buy something to nibble on their way to work or miss eating breakfast altogether. So when I noticed that that was a consistent pattern for them, I woke up earlier or prepare the breakfast the night before. They literally loved me for that.
Another host we had in Tennessee hardly have any time to eat. When we finally came up with a regular meal plan for him, he cried tears of joy, acting as if he owed us his life.
If you plan to stay at other people’s house for awhile, and if you want them to desire your presence, you better learn how to cook! Trust me. I wish I knew this a long time ago.
5. Always take a second look
Each host have their own eccentricities. And when you’re living under the same roof, you kinda have to deal with these things on a more submissive note.
Davin and I hate wearing socks in the house. He would go barefoot and I would usually wear house slippers. But in one of the houses we stayed at, the couple didn’t have house slippers for us, but didn’t want us to go barefoot either. Reasons being that the floor will be destroyed if it is in a consistent contact with the oil that comes from the foot. Now I never heard of such a thing, but we wore those thick socks faithfully around the house.
Keenly observe the host’s level of cleanliness, and whatever it may be, go above and beyond. Different folks, different strokes so whatever it is, make sure you up your game in the cleanliness department.
I have a lot of gross experiences with visitors I had in my house but I guess my point is: It is very embarrassing to have the host clean up after you. And when they do, you might as well kiss the second chance of staying with that host again, goodbye.
6. Do not overstay your welcome
Clearly lay your plans to the host. How long do you plan to stay? And if there are any changes to the plan, let them know right away as well. The longest we’ve stayed with one family was for almost three months. Even then, they still didn’t want us to leave.
Some hosts might not be able to afford that, but whether you’re staying for the night, a weekend, a month or even a year, always make sure that this is something your hosts are completely OK with.
Now I may say it’s free accommodation but it wouldn’t hurt if you pay back via services. For example, we saved our host the money to pay a yard cleaner by cleaning the yard ourselves. We also helped her save hiring a carpet cleaner and a painter by doing it ourselves. Just make sure the service you’re offering is something you would do well. Offer to babysit or do anything you know you can do for them in which they would pay for otherwise.
7. Treat your host/s like family
When you live in someone’s home, you’re technically being a part of their family. You get to see how they live their lives day in, day out. You get to see what ticks them & what makes them happy. You get to see whether they shop a lot, waste a lot, or save a lot. You get to see how they are like when their stressed out, and when they are overjoyed. Once in a while, you might see one of them cry on the phone as they talk to another family member.
Take the time to encourage and affirm. Offer to pray with them. Let them know that you genuinely care.
8. Keep in touch
When you finally leave the portals of your host’s home, know that it doesn’t end there. Don’t be a user and a freeloader. People who are like that are only friends with you as long as they can benefit from you. You don’t wanna be like that. Continue to care for each other by keeping in touch.
My husband has mastered this trait very well. He would call, text, chat and email with a lot of people to let them know he still remembers them. I noticed many times that these conversations are not trite and awkward, but warm, genuine and fun. In fact, Davin is still in touch with his hosts from 7 or 8 years ago.
There you go! You’re on your way to live the life of being the most beloved couch surfer. There may be more to this list, but if you follow these tips, you will always find a home that will readily welcome you back anytime with open arms.
